Well its been a long time since I have put fingers to keyboard here, but I find it is necessary to get out what has happened. I'm not sure why yet, but I have been dreaming of my mother a lot. Last night was the most upsetting dream I could have had. The others not worth really mentioning, but this one really bothered me a lot. :-( I don't understand why I had this dream and it has put me in such a funk and I can't get it out of my head. I woke this morning crying from it and I didn't want anyone to really see or know so I ran to the shower and let it out while I was in there. It was a very hurtful dream and it was a very vivid dream. Even now the events of an entire year are burned in my brain as if they were actual memories and not a dream and I can't seem to shake them or the feelings they bring up. I'm not sure why the universe has decided to do this to me and put me though this kind of pain, but it has and I need to deal with it. I know writing in this blog for some reason helped so I'm going to try again to see if this can remove these false memories and allow me to go on. The thing is I have so much to do in my life right now I can't let this stop me. I can't let it get to me and I can't let the people I love down. Maybe this is a test of my strength.
I will be honest here when I could no longer function because of the pain I was in from my mothers illness and I needed to be there for her I went to see my doctor and was put on anti depression drugs so that I could be happy when I was with her and so I could talk about her without crying all the time. It was getting to the point that I couldn't function and had to do something. I have since her death 2 months ago came off of them. I'm back to my normal self and dealing with it fine until last night.
Here is the dream. I was in my mothers house on the water in the kitchen with her and we were talking about life in general. I was helping her pick up some dishes that were on the table to wash. She said to me, "Well at least I got to see my 51st birthday! I didn't die yet." at that point I dropped my glass and was so upset with her. (side note my mother lived to see her 60th so I'm unsure hwy the 51st number) As I went to pick up the glass memories of the last year flooded my mind. It was as if in the dream I was having a flash back of the last year before her 51st birthday. They were not all pleasant memories. I then began to live a year of life with her being very ill and her and I not talking and always fighting about her illness and how she was handling it. I can remember exact days and conversations now that didn't really happen as if I lived two different lives with her illness. The memories are so vivid in my mind as if they really happened. I can't convey the pain I feel right now of being astrained from my mother during her last 2 years of her life and not reconciling with her before she died. It was unbearable to me which is why I woke crying. This memories or dream memories are still haunting me. I can't shake them. I have a memory of her and I getting together for a family cook out and her and I yelling at each other and me storming away. Its just painful. As I write this I have tears in my eyes. There are so many of them and I know they are not real, but I can't forget them and they run as if their are two different realities in my mind right now of how the last 2 years of her life was lived between her and I.
Why would the universe do this to me? What lesson is there to learn in this? How good I had it? How bad it could have been? Why the change in the ages? I'm confused, I'm hurt and I'm sad, but I put on the happy face for everyone and go about my day. I will do the same tomorrow and no one will really know unless they read this blog and if they do I really don't want to talk about it. I just need to process it and figure this out just know if I snap or don't seem my 100% self this is why. Don't press me on it and Don't ask me about it.
Granted yes when my mother was in her last year of life I struggled with my own faith and what I believed and didn't. I never cursed the Gods or cried out to them and try to make them accountable for what was happening to her. I know things happen to good people every day. Was I angry. YES! Was I hurt YES! Did I lose faith not completely. I did falter, but I took comfort from my gods when I needed it and they were there for me, just not in the way I wanted them to. Her last 2 years of light were comfortable. She didn't have to worry about money or working or anything. She had a house on the water like she wanted and with the exception of her illness I think she had a good life. So they did bless us and maybe they knew what was coming. I don't know.
That doesn't explain my current dream. I'm at a loss and have no clue. This also will pass and I will be stronger for it.
So my morning begins with tears and pain. Then the day just goes down hill from there. We are opening a pizza shop in Westminster and we had to change everything about the place from a construction stand point and I've been working with this for weeks now with the help of my wonderful children Ryan and Ashley. They have been a God send! Today I got some bad new onto of bad news. 2 Major pieces of equipment is back ordered and we open on Monday! I have to have the health inspectors back on on Friday, but without that equipment it could be a problem. We got 50+ people who have applied for a job so we have spent the last two days in interview and applications and trying to set schedules. So I finally gave into the universe and had the opening date changed to 8/16. If we can open before that I will, but our marketing won't start until the Friday before and that will be our official opening date.
So today it was one thing on top of another. Then my sons baby momma start stuff on facebook once again. This is the 3rd time she has trashed our family in public, when we have done nothing but try to help her.
I just don't know how much more I can pile on me and still keep smiling and going forward before I collapse in upon myself.
Thank you for reading and I will try to do this more as I am starting to feel a little better. Not sure how long it will last, but I'm getting there.
Blessings!
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Oh, Bunky I dont like how you sound, it reminds me of some dark days you had at AIV. Hope you get through this sooner.Namaste!
ReplyDeleteSherine
In the mystery schools there is a concept of multiple universes existing simultaneously and their are multiple 'you's' living in these alternate universes. If could be that you have had a brief connection with one of these and it is showing you just how good yours and her last time together in this world really was, even though it was very painful.
ReplyDeleteIt's the 1st thing that jumped into my head when I read it. -Caryn-
I love you ....
ReplyDeleteEnuf said!
@Caryn I thought of that as I have experienced that before, but nothing like this. Those times were just like looking into a mirror. This is so much different then that. Most times it was seen and then gone, but this lingers on and on. I can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday, yet I have 2+ years of memories I can remember as if they just happened. Painful memories. :-(
ReplyDelete@sherine Namaste to you as well and thank you. Those times were nothing compared to this.
ReplyDelete@tori Back at ya. :-)
ReplyDeleteMr. Bunky. You do not need to hide away any tears, amongst family or friends. That, my friend, is the best reason to have both.
ReplyDeleteDisturbing dreams are not always what they seem. I think, in this case, it is one scenario that could have been but wasn't.
With everything happening now, perhaps your mind was giving you this to tell you something. Maybe slow down or perhaps, a reality check. Often we get caught up in everyday hoopla and tend to forget the important things.
I believe, it is never to late to reconcile something from the past. How? Honor their memory. If there was something they liked, I dunno, perhaps fondue or cotton candy or even chocolate, then buy them a gift. Buy them candy and offer it to someone, along with a happy memory between you and your mother.
Personally, I think this is far better than a visit to the cemetery (No disrespect is intended).
As for the dreams, you could blame this on a 100 different things. Perhaps it was a final lapse before any meds that you were on expelled from your body. Perhaps it was brought on by stress. I don't know about that, but what I do know is that you are never alone. There is no sorrow, but for the Willow who won't cry.
As for the restaurant and like most construction projects it is nice to finish on schedule, but it rarely happens. That delay will soon be filled with pizza and yumminess..
And for slander and smear tictacs, well, shoot her and throw her in the river. Or, smother her with love. She's the healer of many wounds, Ma Love is. After she's comfortable, shoot her and throw her in the river..
Seriously, we are all here for you if you ever need anything.
-George
I know how hard reconciling your mom's death must be for you. My mom died in October, surgical complications brought about by pain medication addiction. The universe will show you a message in this, somehow. Take care
ReplyDeleteAdam
I have no insights into this and all I can say is that I dearly love you and Denise. I send you both loving light. As you go through this, do it together. You may want to put on a brave face for your friends but show your real face to Denise.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts align with Caryn's. However, I think it could be a glimpse into how things COULD have been if your life hadn't changed so drastically previously. You were able to be strong for her and ease her transition to the next world. Give her a home she loved and was able to enjoy to the end. What a gift. The false memories will fade in time. When they pop into your head, think of something else, a parallel memory that is happy and makes you smile.
ReplyDeleteAnother thought is, when and how did you stop your medication? Sometimes you can have vivid, horrific dreams as a withdrawal mechanism from meds. Especially anti-depressants. Could be a combination of many things. Allow for this to be a possibility. And going back on a smaller dose and weaning yourself off properly (?) may be a good idea. Call the doctor if you want more info.
I don't feel like it's your nature to say, "how could the universe do this to me?" I do not believe we are at the mercy of the universe. You are a strong person. You are a seat of power. A line from the Lion King may say it best: "Remember who you are, Bunky. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember..." Not trying to make your head any bigger than it has been, but just because your mom is gone, doesn't mean that your life stops. It's not what she would have wanted. She's with you everyday. Regardless of how it ended, she loved you as she always had. Now go be her boy. Bunky. King of Mayhem. Feel better dude. It's just a passing storm.