Well its been a long time since I have put fingers to keyboard here, but I find it is necessary to get out what has happened. I'm not sure why yet, but I have been dreaming of my mother a lot. Last night was the most upsetting dream I could have had. The others not worth really mentioning, but this one really bothered me a lot. :-( I don't understand why I had this dream and it has put me in such a funk and I can't get it out of my head. I woke this morning crying from it and I didn't want anyone to really see or know so I ran to the shower and let it out while I was in there. It was a very hurtful dream and it was a very vivid dream. Even now the events of an entire year are burned in my brain as if they were actual memories and not a dream and I can't seem to shake them or the feelings they bring up. I'm not sure why the universe has decided to do this to me and put me though this kind of pain, but it has and I need to deal with it. I know writing in this blog for some reason helped so I'm going to try again to see if this can remove these false memories and allow me to go on. The thing is I have so much to do in my life right now I can't let this stop me. I can't let it get to me and I can't let the people I love down. Maybe this is a test of my strength.
I will be honest here when I could no longer function because of the pain I was in from my mothers illness and I needed to be there for her I went to see my doctor and was put on anti depression drugs so that I could be happy when I was with her and so I could talk about her without crying all the time. It was getting to the point that I couldn't function and had to do something. I have since her death 2 months ago came off of them. I'm back to my normal self and dealing with it fine until last night.
Here is the dream. I was in my mothers house on the water in the kitchen with her and we were talking about life in general. I was helping her pick up some dishes that were on the table to wash. She said to me, "Well at least I got to see my 51st birthday! I didn't die yet." at that point I dropped my glass and was so upset with her. (side note my mother lived to see her 60th so I'm unsure hwy the 51st number) As I went to pick up the glass memories of the last year flooded my mind. It was as if in the dream I was having a flash back of the last year before her 51st birthday. They were not all pleasant memories. I then began to live a year of life with her being very ill and her and I not talking and always fighting about her illness and how she was handling it. I can remember exact days and conversations now that didn't really happen as if I lived two different lives with her illness. The memories are so vivid in my mind as if they really happened. I can't convey the pain I feel right now of being astrained from my mother during her last 2 years of her life and not reconciling with her before she died. It was unbearable to me which is why I woke crying. This memories or dream memories are still haunting me. I can't shake them. I have a memory of her and I getting together for a family cook out and her and I yelling at each other and me storming away. Its just painful. As I write this I have tears in my eyes. There are so many of them and I know they are not real, but I can't forget them and they run as if their are two different realities in my mind right now of how the last 2 years of her life was lived between her and I.
Why would the universe do this to me? What lesson is there to learn in this? How good I had it? How bad it could have been? Why the change in the ages? I'm confused, I'm hurt and I'm sad, but I put on the happy face for everyone and go about my day. I will do the same tomorrow and no one will really know unless they read this blog and if they do I really don't want to talk about it. I just need to process it and figure this out just know if I snap or don't seem my 100% self this is why. Don't press me on it and Don't ask me about it.
Granted yes when my mother was in her last year of life I struggled with my own faith and what I believed and didn't. I never cursed the Gods or cried out to them and try to make them accountable for what was happening to her. I know things happen to good people every day. Was I angry. YES! Was I hurt YES! Did I lose faith not completely. I did falter, but I took comfort from my gods when I needed it and they were there for me, just not in the way I wanted them to. Her last 2 years of light were comfortable. She didn't have to worry about money or working or anything. She had a house on the water like she wanted and with the exception of her illness I think she had a good life. So they did bless us and maybe they knew what was coming. I don't know.
That doesn't explain my current dream. I'm at a loss and have no clue. This also will pass and I will be stronger for it.
So my morning begins with tears and pain. Then the day just goes down hill from there. We are opening a pizza shop in Westminster and we had to change everything about the place from a construction stand point and I've been working with this for weeks now with the help of my wonderful children Ryan and Ashley. They have been a God send! Today I got some bad new onto of bad news. 2 Major pieces of equipment is back ordered and we open on Monday! I have to have the health inspectors back on on Friday, but without that equipment it could be a problem. We got 50+ people who have applied for a job so we have spent the last two days in interview and applications and trying to set schedules. So I finally gave into the universe and had the opening date changed to 8/16. If we can open before that I will, but our marketing won't start until the Friday before and that will be our official opening date.
So today it was one thing on top of another. Then my sons baby momma start stuff on facebook once again. This is the 3rd time she has trashed our family in public, when we have done nothing but try to help her.
I just don't know how much more I can pile on me and still keep smiling and going forward before I collapse in upon myself.
Thank you for reading and I will try to do this more as I am starting to feel a little better. Not sure how long it will last, but I'm getting there.
Blessings!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Birth of my Grand Son Riley!
Well today was a remarkable day as my Grand son Riley Alexander was born! We got that call at a little after 6am. It is also my Grand Mother Katherine's birthday as well today, but she passed in 1992. Many blessings and sorrows this month. My mothers birthday and passing day, my sons birthday, my grand sons birthday, my Grand mom Liz's passing day, my Grand mother Katherine's birthday, Bella's birthday. I think that is it?
I felt like my mother was watching us today. There was such joy when he was born. He is so cute! He really is! I didn't want to leave the hospital, but one does what one has to do.
Tomorrow is going to be a big day and a very long and draining day. Here is hoping I have the strength I will need for tomorrow. I will hit the hay early and see how it goes.
Baby Riley! 7lb13oz 21+ inches long.
Blessed Night one and all!
I felt like my mother was watching us today. There was such joy when he was born. He is so cute! He really is! I didn't want to leave the hospital, but one does what one has to do.
Tomorrow is going to be a big day and a very long and draining day. Here is hoping I have the strength I will need for tomorrow. I will hit the hay early and see how it goes.
Baby Riley! 7lb13oz 21+ inches long.
Blessed Night one and all!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Really?
OK I was with my mom today and when I got there my Aunt Cindy, Aunt Linda, Grand Pop, and Uncle Henry was there. That was really nice to see. Now here is the problem. After sitting there talking and enjoying the time with my mom, my Uncle asks my two Aunts if they could leave the room and have a private conversation with me.
Oh boy....So he begins to tell me how my mother prayed for me all the time at church. How she wanted me to be saved. That God Promised her I would be saved. Then tells me God won't be taking her until I am saved. The reason my mother is still here is because I'm not saved and she is going to be left here until I am. Really? I am sitting with my mom and he tells me my unsaved soul is the reason she can't pass on. I can't tell you how angry I was at him at that moment. I wanted to grab him by the neck and toss him out on his ass, but I didn't. Really? You wait til my mom is dying and try to save me? Really? Is that right? Did he think I was going to fall to my knees and pray for my salvation? Really? Did he expect me to change my mind about the path I have been walking for 20 years now? Really? Trying to use my mothers pending death and the salvation of her soul to convert me? Really? Is that what they teach in Christian Churches these days? Really?
I just looked at him and explained how that was many years ago and me and my mother both came to terms with our religious choices. She respected my choice a long time ago. I respect all religions and I respect my mother and that was the only reason I didn't go off on him. I also explained to him that if he really thought that then she would be here longer then him as I'm not converting. Its not my religious choice and I know my mothers God would not hold her in this body waisting away just to convert me. I can't believe someone who is christian would even think that God would hold back someones reward to try and convert another soul. If that is the case then I know I am on the right path for sure. I know my Gods would never do something like that and they wouldn't make a promise of someone being converted before you can return. So again I say Really? So not the way I expected my day to go today.
So other then that the day with my mother went well. I did get a text that Britt lost her mucus plug today, which means she can go into labor anytime now. I am so happy about that, especially if that is what my mother is really waiting for. Ryan's birthday is only 2 days away, but it close enough to be a really nice present for him.
Mom has been spiking a fever almost every night and her current pulse rate is 120, so we don't think her body can do that for much longer. I love her and just want her to move to a better place. I some what feel bad about that, but know in my heart it is for the best.
I guess that is it for now. Night all and blessings to everyone no matter what your religion is!
Oh boy....So he begins to tell me how my mother prayed for me all the time at church. How she wanted me to be saved. That God Promised her I would be saved. Then tells me God won't be taking her until I am saved. The reason my mother is still here is because I'm not saved and she is going to be left here until I am. Really? I am sitting with my mom and he tells me my unsaved soul is the reason she can't pass on. I can't tell you how angry I was at him at that moment. I wanted to grab him by the neck and toss him out on his ass, but I didn't. Really? You wait til my mom is dying and try to save me? Really? Is that right? Did he think I was going to fall to my knees and pray for my salvation? Really? Did he expect me to change my mind about the path I have been walking for 20 years now? Really? Trying to use my mothers pending death and the salvation of her soul to convert me? Really? Is that what they teach in Christian Churches these days? Really?
I just looked at him and explained how that was many years ago and me and my mother both came to terms with our religious choices. She respected my choice a long time ago. I respect all religions and I respect my mother and that was the only reason I didn't go off on him. I also explained to him that if he really thought that then she would be here longer then him as I'm not converting. Its not my religious choice and I know my mothers God would not hold her in this body waisting away just to convert me. I can't believe someone who is christian would even think that God would hold back someones reward to try and convert another soul. If that is the case then I know I am on the right path for sure. I know my Gods would never do something like that and they wouldn't make a promise of someone being converted before you can return. So again I say Really? So not the way I expected my day to go today.
So other then that the day with my mother went well. I did get a text that Britt lost her mucus plug today, which means she can go into labor anytime now. I am so happy about that, especially if that is what my mother is really waiting for. Ryan's birthday is only 2 days away, but it close enough to be a really nice present for him.
Mom has been spiking a fever almost every night and her current pulse rate is 120, so we don't think her body can do that for much longer. I love her and just want her to move to a better place. I some what feel bad about that, but know in my heart it is for the best.
I guess that is it for now. Night all and blessings to everyone no matter what your religion is!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Me and My mom
I have been busy these few days. I have been visiting my mother each day. I sit with her, hold her hand, talk to her about things, and kiss her on the cheek and forehead. I don't know if she knows I am there or not or if she can hear me, but it doesn't matter to me as I know I am there for her and hopefully I am comforting her in some way.
Some of you may or may not know, but the dead talk to me from time to time. I have a deal with them that they only speak to me when I speak to them first. I can see my mother from time to time above her bed, but she keeps drawing herself back in. Everyone has visited her and told her that they will miss her, but they are OK with her moving on. Yet she holds on. I'm at a loss as to why. She has always told me she didn't want to live like this, yet she holds on? There is something keeping her here and I have yet to find out what that is. My Grandmother Liz her mother is now at her bedside. I see her bend down and whisper to her from time to time, but can't hear what she is saying. I was glad she showed up on mothers day. I wished her a happy mothers day.
I have talked to her about her heavenly father and how he is waiting for her to return to him. I've had conversations with her about Jesus and the sacrifice he made so she can be with him. I have told her that they have prepared her house for her and she has, but to leave the body in order to return to her real home and wait for the rest of us and meet with those who have already gone before her. There was a song on one of her CD's today and the lyrics talked about a woman holding on and the Angels around her bed waiting to take her home. I played that song a couple of times for her and told her to listen to it as they were speaking to her.
I am conflicted about how much I talk to her about moving on. I want to keep her here with me forever, but I know that isn't possible. Yet I still feel some guilt about trying to get her to move on. I love her and want her to live forever, but this is not life right now for her. This is prolonged death something she never wanted, but I am at a loss as to help her move on.
As each day passes I try to think of the next thing she may be holding on for. It was first her birthday on May 1st, then Mothers day and now it could be the birth of her Great Grandson or Her Grandson Ryan's (My eldest son) birth day then there is my fathers birthday on June 1st. Since she has not eaten or drank anything since Tuesday I can't see how her body will be able to last much longer. She seems to be very comfortable and not in pain, but I can't seem to communicate with her as she is still very much alive. When the time comes it is my hope to speak with her again, but I have a feeling I won't be able to see her like most. It has been my experience that those who are so close to us are not available to us after death as it would keep them alive in our minds and we would not be able to grieve and move on. I hope I am able to see and hear her, but understand if that is not possible.
The staff at Gilchrist are wonderful with her. They come in and talk to her and tell her everything they are about to do before they do it. Not that there is much for them to do other then administer pain meds, but they do shift her around so she doesn't get bed soars and they bathe her each day. They are so sweet and gentle with her. They are also checking on us all the time as well asking if we need anything or how we are holding up. It is a very nice place with wonderful people.
Its now 2 am and I need to go to bed so I can get up and go see my mother again and give my father a break. Again conflicted as I want to see her, but don't want to see her the way she is. I want her to rest and be one with her holy father and have no more pain and only joy for all eternity, but it is her decision when she will go and nothing we can do about it. Mom I love you and will see you tomorrow.
This is a picture of me, my mom and my cousin Garland.
Night all....
Some of you may or may not know, but the dead talk to me from time to time. I have a deal with them that they only speak to me when I speak to them first. I can see my mother from time to time above her bed, but she keeps drawing herself back in. Everyone has visited her and told her that they will miss her, but they are OK with her moving on. Yet she holds on. I'm at a loss as to why. She has always told me she didn't want to live like this, yet she holds on? There is something keeping her here and I have yet to find out what that is. My Grandmother Liz her mother is now at her bedside. I see her bend down and whisper to her from time to time, but can't hear what she is saying. I was glad she showed up on mothers day. I wished her a happy mothers day.
I have talked to her about her heavenly father and how he is waiting for her to return to him. I've had conversations with her about Jesus and the sacrifice he made so she can be with him. I have told her that they have prepared her house for her and she has, but to leave the body in order to return to her real home and wait for the rest of us and meet with those who have already gone before her. There was a song on one of her CD's today and the lyrics talked about a woman holding on and the Angels around her bed waiting to take her home. I played that song a couple of times for her and told her to listen to it as they were speaking to her.
I am conflicted about how much I talk to her about moving on. I want to keep her here with me forever, but I know that isn't possible. Yet I still feel some guilt about trying to get her to move on. I love her and want her to live forever, but this is not life right now for her. This is prolonged death something she never wanted, but I am at a loss as to help her move on.
As each day passes I try to think of the next thing she may be holding on for. It was first her birthday on May 1st, then Mothers day and now it could be the birth of her Great Grandson or Her Grandson Ryan's (My eldest son) birth day then there is my fathers birthday on June 1st. Since she has not eaten or drank anything since Tuesday I can't see how her body will be able to last much longer. She seems to be very comfortable and not in pain, but I can't seem to communicate with her as she is still very much alive. When the time comes it is my hope to speak with her again, but I have a feeling I won't be able to see her like most. It has been my experience that those who are so close to us are not available to us after death as it would keep them alive in our minds and we would not be able to grieve and move on. I hope I am able to see and hear her, but understand if that is not possible.
The staff at Gilchrist are wonderful with her. They come in and talk to her and tell her everything they are about to do before they do it. Not that there is much for them to do other then administer pain meds, but they do shift her around so she doesn't get bed soars and they bathe her each day. They are so sweet and gentle with her. They are also checking on us all the time as well asking if we need anything or how we are holding up. It is a very nice place with wonderful people.
Its now 2 am and I need to go to bed so I can get up and go see my mother again and give my father a break. Again conflicted as I want to see her, but don't want to see her the way she is. I want her to rest and be one with her holy father and have no more pain and only joy for all eternity, but it is her decision when she will go and nothing we can do about it. Mom I love you and will see you tomorrow.
This is a picture of me, my mom and my cousin Garland.
Night all....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
What a day today was.....
The day started out early for me. I was up at 6 am to get ready to head to mystickal voyage for Dragon Coffee Klatch which I do on the 1st Sunday of every month. Today we talked about the pagan community and how we like to eat our own and how we attack each other in online forums. We also talked about energy and its finiteness, but how it is eternal. Very deep discussion and more then I care to get into here. It was a good Klatch today. Next month we are doing a debate Left Hand Path vs Right Hand Path. Should be a blast.
After that was over we celebrated my mothers birthday with our family. Got my mom a day pass from Gilchrist so she could be at her house. She wasn't doing very well. She slept most of the time waking on occasions to see who was there and to talk to some people. She did wake up long enough for us to sing happy birthday to her and blow out her candle on her cake. Well with my help, but she didn't know that. Here is what her cake looked like.
It was a strawberry short cake from Hermans bakery in Dundalk. My family for as long as I can remember has always gotten one of these (not this size most times) for birthdays. We will continue the tradition as long as Hermans is still around. If they aren't around any more I will just have to learn how to make them myself.
Everyone got to hold her hand today and she saw pretty much the entire family between today and Friday. It was a good day from that aspect, but not so good from the point of her health and activity level. She is just very tired and I'm really not sure why she is hanging in here. I don't ever want to her to away, but I also know it is time.
So we had cake, crabs, and shrimp for the party. I finally got my females for the 1st time in years and they were so worth it! The crabs and shrimp were wonderful!!!!!! You know we got them from Wise Ave. Crab house of course.
So got done at my mothers and went over to our daughters house to meet her new pet. It is a prairie dog. She is very cute. Here is a picture of her as it sits in my daughters lap.
It is very cute I have to admit. So we leave her house and are driving home and see an accident on the side of the road. Denise looks and says she thinks it is Amanda. Amanda is a friend of Ashley's. So we call Ashley to have her call Amanda to see where she is as we didn't have her number. Ashley then calls back and says it is her so I turn around to head back to check on her. She was taken to the hospital, but at the time of writing this she is home, battered and bruised, but the doctors say she is OK. She is a very, very lucky girl. Her tire blew out and she lost control and hit the guard rail. Very lucky girl! We are so glad she is OK. Ashley and Amanda have been together most of their life as friends. We all rush over to the hospital to make sure she was alright.
Now we are all home and it is time to decompress from the days events. It just never seems to be a dull moment in our lives. So night all and blog you tomorrow. Blessing!
After that was over we celebrated my mothers birthday with our family. Got my mom a day pass from Gilchrist so she could be at her house. She wasn't doing very well. She slept most of the time waking on occasions to see who was there and to talk to some people. She did wake up long enough for us to sing happy birthday to her and blow out her candle on her cake. Well with my help, but she didn't know that. Here is what her cake looked like.
It was a strawberry short cake from Hermans bakery in Dundalk. My family for as long as I can remember has always gotten one of these (not this size most times) for birthdays. We will continue the tradition as long as Hermans is still around. If they aren't around any more I will just have to learn how to make them myself.
Everyone got to hold her hand today and she saw pretty much the entire family between today and Friday. It was a good day from that aspect, but not so good from the point of her health and activity level. She is just very tired and I'm really not sure why she is hanging in here. I don't ever want to her to away, but I also know it is time.
So we had cake, crabs, and shrimp for the party. I finally got my females for the 1st time in years and they were so worth it! The crabs and shrimp were wonderful!!!!!! You know we got them from Wise Ave. Crab house of course.
So got done at my mothers and went over to our daughters house to meet her new pet. It is a prairie dog. She is very cute. Here is a picture of her as it sits in my daughters lap.
It is very cute I have to admit. So we leave her house and are driving home and see an accident on the side of the road. Denise looks and says she thinks it is Amanda. Amanda is a friend of Ashley's. So we call Ashley to have her call Amanda to see where she is as we didn't have her number. Ashley then calls back and says it is her so I turn around to head back to check on her. She was taken to the hospital, but at the time of writing this she is home, battered and bruised, but the doctors say she is OK. She is a very, very lucky girl. Her tire blew out and she lost control and hit the guard rail. Very lucky girl! We are so glad she is OK. Ashley and Amanda have been together most of their life as friends. We all rush over to the hospital to make sure she was alright.
Now we are all home and it is time to decompress from the days events. It just never seems to be a dull moment in our lives. So night all and blog you tomorrow. Blessing!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Forgotten? I say NO!
Yesterday was very draining. Went to see my mother as the nurse said that her passing could be any day now. Today is her birthday so I am going to see her, but yesterday was very draining. Everyone was there since we didn't know how much longer she was going to be with us. My cousins Steph and Beth went out and got her a Birthday cake that was so sweet and wonderful of them. The reason for the cake a day early was that she was questioning why everyone was there. So we said to celebrate her birthday. I'm sure we didn't fool her one bit, but she played along like a trooper.
The reason I know she wasn't fooled is she talked to me and others alone. Here is what she said to me. First she said she loved me, then told me how much she appreciates how I am there for everyone when they need me. Told me how proud she was of me. She also told me to give her great grandson when he is born a kiss for her. Which tells me she knows she isn't going to be around for his birth. That was very hard for me to hear, but the worst part comes next. She said we forget. She said "WE FORGET". At that point I kind of broke down and cries. She told me not to and I told her it was silly to ask me to not cry when I know my mother is going to die. I love her and will morn the loss of her in my life, but I will also celebrate her life as well. She understood.
I then told her we do not forget. We will never forget. I told her we have pictures and stories that we will show and tell those who come after. We will talk and share with those of use who survive. We never forget those who have touched our life like she touched us. When I mentioned the pictures she said, "Oh yes pictures!"
Today I am going to remind her of the memorial garden I am creating. The one where I will put a plant, and picture of all the family members we have lost in my lifetime. They, she and everyone will never be forgotten! Everyone who comes to my property will see them as they drive in. They will be seen every day and will be remembered. They will never be forgotten. I will remind her of that today. She will never be forgotten ever! He grandchildren and great grandchildren and great great grandchildren will know of their family members and the garden will continue until it fills up all 23 aces of our property if necessary.
Pictures and video of our family exist in digital form, and online and all over. I will digitize all photos of our family and make sure they exist and are passed down. I will make sure we have video of our family members going forward. No one is ever going to forget. Not just our happy times, but the sad times as well. All the joy and pain in our lives need to be remembered. It will be there for every family member to share and enjoy and pass down.
We will remember! We will not forget! I love you mom and Happy 60th Birthday!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Today
Well day started off pretty normal with some exceptions. The housekeeper called in sick and tomorrow she is off as well, so no house cleaning being done until monday. :-(
Dan and Christina were off to the hospital so she can have her gallbladder out. Ron was off so pretty much Denise and I had the place to our selves. Rare on a Thursday, but then I got the call from my sister. My mom hasn't woken up since yesterday. Seems when they put her on the pump they didn't take into account that she twitches. So she had the button in her hand and every time she twitched she was given a dose of pain meds. Not that this is a problem as it won't let her give herself to much, but they evaluate based on how often she hits the button. So they tripled the dosage based on her numbers. Well that kept her a sleep. So I had to rush in there and check on the situation and so my father could go home and get cleaned up and such. They turned back the dosage and now my mom is awake. So happy about that.
Not sure how I am feeling about all this. Its hard to watch her go though, but I know she is a strong woman always has been. I hope the pump will allow her to control her pain and give her some peace of mind and feeling of some control over her life. They say she may not have much longer. :-(
It is my wish that she isn't in pain and can be here when my grandson is born. So she can hold him and see him before she passes from this world, but I also know if she does go she will still be there to see him. Just would like it to be in the physical and not spiritual, but life will play out as life is to play out.
Still a little sad today, but put on the happy face for everyone. Just what I do. Its how I deal with pain in my life. I smile though it in public and frown in private.
So there is a beautiful moon out tonight. I may go bathe in it and drink in the Goddesses energy to sustain me.
Was going to make smoke neck, green beans, and potatoes for dinner, but got home from Gilchrist and didn't have time. So had a ham sandwich. :-) Denise ate on her way home from the hair dresser. I dreamt the other night she went back to red, but didn't mention it to her and sure enough she came home with red hair again. I like it, but then again doesn't matter to me what her hair color is. I just love her!
Talked to both Ryan and Ashley today. Not sure if Ashley is mad at me or not. She asked something of me I just can't grant right now. Ryan was just asking about plants and things for his house. He wants to dress up the outside and get his pond fixed up.
I watched today's episodes of Supernatural while eating dinner. Pretty good show sorry I didn't get into from the beginning, but still on so I catch up daily and then watch the new shows.
Just got my copy of Avatar in the mail today as well as Joan of Arcadia. I like Joan its a pretty cool show. Sorry it didn't last long.
Well off I go. Personal Trainer comes tomorrow morning at 8. Let see how bad she kicks my butt this time. Also have a cleaning service coming tomorrow to do a walk through to help out with the cleaning. Just a bit much for 1 person when we have 7 dogs and 5 cats. :-) Night all!
Dan and Christina were off to the hospital so she can have her gallbladder out. Ron was off so pretty much Denise and I had the place to our selves. Rare on a Thursday, but then I got the call from my sister. My mom hasn't woken up since yesterday. Seems when they put her on the pump they didn't take into account that she twitches. So she had the button in her hand and every time she twitched she was given a dose of pain meds. Not that this is a problem as it won't let her give herself to much, but they evaluate based on how often she hits the button. So they tripled the dosage based on her numbers. Well that kept her a sleep. So I had to rush in there and check on the situation and so my father could go home and get cleaned up and such. They turned back the dosage and now my mom is awake. So happy about that.
Not sure how I am feeling about all this. Its hard to watch her go though, but I know she is a strong woman always has been. I hope the pump will allow her to control her pain and give her some peace of mind and feeling of some control over her life. They say she may not have much longer. :-(
It is my wish that she isn't in pain and can be here when my grandson is born. So she can hold him and see him before she passes from this world, but I also know if she does go she will still be there to see him. Just would like it to be in the physical and not spiritual, but life will play out as life is to play out.
Still a little sad today, but put on the happy face for everyone. Just what I do. Its how I deal with pain in my life. I smile though it in public and frown in private.
So there is a beautiful moon out tonight. I may go bathe in it and drink in the Goddesses energy to sustain me.
Was going to make smoke neck, green beans, and potatoes for dinner, but got home from Gilchrist and didn't have time. So had a ham sandwich. :-) Denise ate on her way home from the hair dresser. I dreamt the other night she went back to red, but didn't mention it to her and sure enough she came home with red hair again. I like it, but then again doesn't matter to me what her hair color is. I just love her!
Talked to both Ryan and Ashley today. Not sure if Ashley is mad at me or not. She asked something of me I just can't grant right now. Ryan was just asking about plants and things for his house. He wants to dress up the outside and get his pond fixed up.
I watched today's episodes of Supernatural while eating dinner. Pretty good show sorry I didn't get into from the beginning, but still on so I catch up daily and then watch the new shows.
Just got my copy of Avatar in the mail today as well as Joan of Arcadia. I like Joan its a pretty cool show. Sorry it didn't last long.
Well off I go. Personal Trainer comes tomorrow morning at 8. Let see how bad she kicks my butt this time. Also have a cleaning service coming tomorrow to do a walk through to help out with the cleaning. Just a bit much for 1 person when we have 7 dogs and 5 cats. :-) Night all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
