Well its been a long time since I have put fingers to keyboard here, but I find it is necessary to get out what has happened. I'm not sure why yet, but I have been dreaming of my mother a lot. Last night was the most upsetting dream I could have had. The others not worth really mentioning, but this one really bothered me a lot. :-( I don't understand why I had this dream and it has put me in such a funk and I can't get it out of my head. I woke this morning crying from it and I didn't want anyone to really see or know so I ran to the shower and let it out while I was in there. It was a very hurtful dream and it was a very vivid dream. Even now the events of an entire year are burned in my brain as if they were actual memories and not a dream and I can't seem to shake them or the feelings they bring up. I'm not sure why the universe has decided to do this to me and put me though this kind of pain, but it has and I need to deal with it. I know writing in this blog for some reason helped so I'm going to try again to see if this can remove these false memories and allow me to go on. The thing is I have so much to do in my life right now I can't let this stop me. I can't let it get to me and I can't let the people I love down. Maybe this is a test of my strength.
I will be honest here when I could no longer function because of the pain I was in from my mothers illness and I needed to be there for her I went to see my doctor and was put on anti depression drugs so that I could be happy when I was with her and so I could talk about her without crying all the time. It was getting to the point that I couldn't function and had to do something. I have since her death 2 months ago came off of them. I'm back to my normal self and dealing with it fine until last night.
Here is the dream. I was in my mothers house on the water in the kitchen with her and we were talking about life in general. I was helping her pick up some dishes that were on the table to wash. She said to me, "Well at least I got to see my 51st birthday! I didn't die yet." at that point I dropped my glass and was so upset with her. (side note my mother lived to see her 60th so I'm unsure hwy the 51st number) As I went to pick up the glass memories of the last year flooded my mind. It was as if in the dream I was having a flash back of the last year before her 51st birthday. They were not all pleasant memories. I then began to live a year of life with her being very ill and her and I not talking and always fighting about her illness and how she was handling it. I can remember exact days and conversations now that didn't really happen as if I lived two different lives with her illness. The memories are so vivid in my mind as if they really happened. I can't convey the pain I feel right now of being astrained from my mother during her last 2 years of her life and not reconciling with her before she died. It was unbearable to me which is why I woke crying. This memories or dream memories are still haunting me. I can't shake them. I have a memory of her and I getting together for a family cook out and her and I yelling at each other and me storming away. Its just painful. As I write this I have tears in my eyes. There are so many of them and I know they are not real, but I can't forget them and they run as if their are two different realities in my mind right now of how the last 2 years of her life was lived between her and I.
Why would the universe do this to me? What lesson is there to learn in this? How good I had it? How bad it could have been? Why the change in the ages? I'm confused, I'm hurt and I'm sad, but I put on the happy face for everyone and go about my day. I will do the same tomorrow and no one will really know unless they read this blog and if they do I really don't want to talk about it. I just need to process it and figure this out just know if I snap or don't seem my 100% self this is why. Don't press me on it and Don't ask me about it.
Granted yes when my mother was in her last year of life I struggled with my own faith and what I believed and didn't. I never cursed the Gods or cried out to them and try to make them accountable for what was happening to her. I know things happen to good people every day. Was I angry. YES! Was I hurt YES! Did I lose faith not completely. I did falter, but I took comfort from my gods when I needed it and they were there for me, just not in the way I wanted them to. Her last 2 years of light were comfortable. She didn't have to worry about money or working or anything. She had a house on the water like she wanted and with the exception of her illness I think she had a good life. So they did bless us and maybe they knew what was coming. I don't know.
That doesn't explain my current dream. I'm at a loss and have no clue. This also will pass and I will be stronger for it.
So my morning begins with tears and pain. Then the day just goes down hill from there. We are opening a pizza shop in Westminster and we had to change everything about the place from a construction stand point and I've been working with this for weeks now with the help of my wonderful children Ryan and Ashley. They have been a God send! Today I got some bad new onto of bad news. 2 Major pieces of equipment is back ordered and we open on Monday! I have to have the health inspectors back on on Friday, but without that equipment it could be a problem. We got 50+ people who have applied for a job so we have spent the last two days in interview and applications and trying to set schedules. So I finally gave into the universe and had the opening date changed to 8/16. If we can open before that I will, but our marketing won't start until the Friday before and that will be our official opening date.
So today it was one thing on top of another. Then my sons baby momma start stuff on facebook once again. This is the 3rd time she has trashed our family in public, when we have done nothing but try to help her.
I just don't know how much more I can pile on me and still keep smiling and going forward before I collapse in upon myself.
Thank you for reading and I will try to do this more as I am starting to feel a little better. Not sure how long it will last, but I'm getting there.
Blessings!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
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